The Light of Day

2005

Okay, sir, so you’ve looked at me enough times to get the picture. I raise my head a little and look back at you as you walk past, so you know I’m not a dead guy. All set? You would think so. You keep turning your head and glaring back disgustedly. What’s your issue? I’m a guy sitting in his car listening to a few songs before going into my studio. It’s not that abnormal. I can’t tell if you’re homeless or just rude.

I haven’t bothered using The Club in the past few days, but thanks for reminding me. Granted, it feels hypocritical locking it across the steering wheel while “I Me Mine” blares from the speakers. Oh well.

I’m not celebrating New Years Eve/Day this year. It always feels empty to try to feel whatever the hell the rest of you all get excited about at that countdown. I’ve never said happy new year and meant it. I’ve always felt disappointed. If a year is defined by January 1st and December 31st as its bookends, then every year of my life has utterly sucked. I don’t think my life has sucked, but using the calendar roll-over as a beginning and end for each chapter sure makes it look that way. The “end” certainly doesn’t bear any relation to the “beginning”.

My new job is both one of my greatest successes and greatest failures of the year, simultaneously.

Success in that I was hired; that I like the people there; that the people there like me (just not in that way); that I’ve been able to resurrect my recording space and buy newer and better equipment; that I’ve hacked the arms, legs, and head off of my student loan from the Reagan era and only have the bleeding torso left to pay off (a pretty grotesque metaphor for debt, I grant you).

Failure in that I haven’t been able to make a leap from customer service into anything related to my more unique interests, abilities, and passions; that I had given Lee Hecht Harrison a real shot at helping me bridge that gap, and came up with nothing; that I caved into pressure and “fell back” on the type of employment that I knew would be easy to get; that I have so little time and energy left over to finish all the music I need to be working on; that I still have no team of allies to help fill in the missing bits.

After the end of January, my 90-day “probation” ends and I will finally qualify for things like vacation days and personal days. (Notice it began on Halloween; for the six months prior, I was a temp. That makes a total of 9 months of no benefits.) That’s no excuse for wasting the free time I have now, in the evenings and weekends. I firmly believe that what we make good use of, we get more of, and what we don’t, we lose. I guess “believe” isn’t the right word — this is what I’ve observed from experience. So if I make good use of my time, somehow it will follow that I will eventually have more of it.

Speaking of vacation days, we did not get any days off for either Christmas or New Years, since they (and their “eves”) fell squarely on weekends. You, as a reader, can understand in an abstract way that this sucks. I, being the actual rat on the treadmill, can confirm that it sucks even more than you’re thinking. I am exhausted, and I hate customers right now. There really are a lot of people out there who don’t realize they’re calling a live human being with no house, no spouse, little free time, and limited energy, and expecting my sincerest sympathy because they have to wait an extra day or two for trash to be picked up. I can find it humorous when I’m rested and refreshed, but it wears me down to an easily-irritated pulp by the end of a busy week. Thank god my coworkers are in the same boat and share my cynicism.

Although I’m boycotting the countdown and noisemakers, it’s as good a time as any to toss a few Big Questions out there, which you’ve probably tried to answer before but can always fine-tune. It’s okay to respond with silly answers — your real answers are none of my business:

Re: When I’m going to ask her out

Gentle Readers:

How dare you collectively ask me such a personal and private thing as when I’m going to ask her out. Do you think this is some kind of free-for-all public exhibition of my private life and my innermost feelings about it??!?? Do you think you are entitled to a play-by-play rundown???!!21/?2?? Who the hell do you think you are! The complex dynamic between me and my wimmins of affection is not the bizness of the likes of you!!! You would be appalled if I inquired the same of your intimate goings-on (and not-goings-on)! Think about it! Plates are lids! Lids are plates! Why not mind your own business!!!!!

Sincerely,

openreel